Visionary Vigilante

Counters provide at least two purposes.  The first is pretty obvious; they act as surface that can be used for signing papers, holding bags, etc.  In addition, the counter that separates the customer from the employee, or the novice from the professional, acts as a physical barrier to symbolize the distinction between two people.  The person that approaches the counter is there for a reason.  Namely, he requests the services of the person behind the counter or the person whom is represented by the person behind the counter.  He is weak and he needs assistance.  

The person behind the counter is in a position of power.  She has been in the same position long before the approaching person came into the building.  The counter means that she isn’t going anywhere.  The area behind the counter is reserved for professionals, and it is an area that she has access to.  When you try to speak to her, the counter is keeping you from getting too close.  All of these functions are counter-intuitive.

You're going to call me a fee-fee boy for crying at a movie?

Does the Exxon tanker run on its own fuel?

In school, we are only taught by those who have chosen teaching as a profession.  This inherently biases the information that the students receive.

Keep east in Easter.

You can always tell someone they don’t accept criticism well.  Either they agree, or they disagree, thus proving your point.

Facebook has a Twitter.  Twitter has a Facebook.

Having fewer kids is seldom suggested as a way to preserve the environment but in many respects, it is much more effective than recycling or buying a hybrid.  Also, suicide is another strategy for “going green.”  Generally speaking, the fewer humans there are, the better shape the planet will be in.  But humans are selfish and care more about themselves than about Earth.

It's true

Fashion is always making statements, but never exclaiming, questioning, or commanding.

What did everyone do before alarm clocks?

“Lola” by the Kinks and “Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed are about the same transvestite.

Do medical students often convince themselves that they have medical students’ disease?

I can now notice myself aging in pictures that were taken within seemingly recent memory.

How do you delete the recycling bin?

I can never recall the exact moment that I fell asleep.

Weird

To the Pupil

Idiomatic machine spewing out yesterday’s garbage and today’s stink, tell me something new.

Give me words to transcend their form. 

I crave depth, I need emotion.  I can’t make up obvious

bullshit based on bullshit

that is slightly more obvious. 

There’s gotta be reason to wit and reason to make sense of it all;

if you’re reasonless,

I am without reason to reason. 

So remember to live and remember your life

and take what’s offered to make your masterpiece. 

Without light, there is nothing to see.

Earthhh

My parents were both from Jewish families. I was not brought up Jewish in any religious way. My circumcision was as Jewish as they got. I used to go to Roman Catholic church with my friends, and when I was 11, I got baptized in a Church of Christ in Hicksville. I’m a cultural Jew. I like the Lower East Side humor, the food. I think the Yiddish language is terrifically expressive. Does that make me a complete Jew or a partial Jew? I’m not really sure.

-Billy Joel

The RZA, The GZA, Investah Deck

How many milkmen started their career as paperboys?  Is there some sort of promotional process there?  And is milk more difficult to deliver than paper?  You have to be an adult to deliver milk.  I remember getting milk delivered to my house as a kid.  That’s a memory that already seems antiquated.

Right now, there is probably a screenplay called “Development Hell” that is in development hell.

So what exactly can someone do if they find out my social security number?

Seeing Eye Dog is a registered trademark.

If you have ever held the door open for an old lady, you have behaved as a utilitarian.

I recently had a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream.  I kept waking up thinking “I can’t believe I didn’t realize that I was dreaming.”  When I finally got out of bed, I made sure to check the light switch.

White Male Scholarship

Am I currently talking to you or talking about talking to you?

No one likes the sound of their voice when they listen to a recording of it.

Sand forms in two places:  the sea and the desert.  One is uncommonly wet and the other is uncommonly dry.  I think we can conclude that sand forms independent of moisture.

Four times as many males commit suicide.  Two times as many females attempt suicide.

What would a traditional Catholic do if her husband converted to Judaism?  Stay married to a Jew or get divorced?

Beating Consciousness Back Down to Size

Hearing AIDS

I have a good idea for a romantic comedy to get a bit of publicity and have some fun.  When it comes out in theaters, during one of the screenings, the movie should interact with the crowd.  The pivotal scene in the movie, unbeknownst to the audience, will be acted out live by the original actor and actress, but filmed and displayed in real time, as if it were a normal part of the movie.  A crew member in the theater will secretly find a couple making out and call the movie set, letting the actors know where they are sitting and what they look like.  The actors will then stop reciting the script, turn towards the camera (as if they are looking at the audience) and say, “Excuse me:  Are you making out?  Yeah, that’s right.  I’m talking to the couple wearing matching red jumpsuits in the back row.  Do you realize this is the fucking climax of the movie?  How dare you!  I don’t go into your office and start locking lips while you’re trying to do your job.  Have a little respect!”  The movie will then resume.

Nardwuar Interviews During an Interview

Good joke for purchasing a leather wallet:  If I buy this, I won’t have anything left to put in it!

I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and guess what kind of tree this is.

Where do new boats come from if they’re all female?

I don’t recall ever learning about semi-colons in school; it was something that I picked up on the streets.  For some reason language arts didn’t cover it.  And who decided that learning about interrogative sentences was an art?

I thought they should have a suggestion box, but didn’t know how to express myself.

“Any travel is time travel.”

The Paralympics

In the United States, it is illegal to discriminate based on skin color, but eye color is fair game.  Apparently, one is trivial and one is a hate crime.

I can eat part of the cake and have the other part.

FBI, HTML, and KFC are initialisms, not acronyms.  It’s only considered an acronym if you pronounce the group of letters as a word (e.g. scuba).

I don’t have anything hanging above my bed because I’m scared it will fall and hit my head while I’m asleep.  What’s the term for that phobia?

Month Saturation

Perfect pitch is more common among people who speak tonal languages (like Chinese).

"Monogamy... is not in your DNA."