Orange Juice of Magnesia

Voicemail messages are mundane and often pointless.  “Hi, this is Phil.”  Yes, I know who you are.  That’s why I called you.  Or sometimes “You’ve reached 234-5678.”  Thanks, I know your phone number because I called you.  What frustrates me the most is when people feel it’s necessary to give instructions about how to leave a message.  “Leave your name and phone number after the beep and I’ll get back to you soon.”  I will obviously give you my name.  I realize that phone-calling requires phone numbers, so I’ll give you that too.  And yes, I know to wait until after the goddamn beep!

Now What?

I won’t tolerate intolerance. 

The underlying reason that precious metals (gold, etc.) are so valuable is that people think they are.

If you get divorced, do your in-laws become your ex-father-in-law and ex-mother-in-law?  Or your out-laws?

Vizzini from The Princess Bride = Bertram from Family Guy

Commercials tend to be louder than the show itself.  I often find myself turning the volume down for the commercials, and then I am unable to hear what I’m watching when it comes back on.  This sounds like a ploy concocted by the advertisers.  

It is now mandatory for all celebrity politicians to publish a book.

At NBA games it is possible to hear the basketball dribbling and the players’ sneakers squeaking on the court.  This is strange, considering how noisy the stadiums are.


TRIVIUM:  Larry King informed the current Dalai Lama about the completion of the Human Genome Project.          

Jim Morrison Predicts the Future

MATH FAIL:  Aristotle once said, “The smallest number, in the strict sense, is two."

In sports like football, it’s important to be aggressive.  But lately there have been lots of injuries from people being too aggressive.  That’s why when I play, I’m always passive-aggressive.  “Are you sure you want to run it right up the middle?”  “Your last play wasn’t too successful, guys.”

I’ve only heard “Where’s the beef?” in the context of people talking about popular slogans.

Toilet Paper Orientation

Successful bands either play good music or have really clever names.  Take the Beatles, for example.

“Don’t you want to come?” and “Do you not want to come?” ask the same thing literally, but opposite things colloquially.  (Think about how you’d respond to both)

How come you type it up but write it down?

“No outlet” signs always confused me growing up because I assumed they were referring to electrical sockets.  “No way out” signs would be more descriptive, but scarier.

Almost a haiku:

In case of fire

elevators

are out of service

Breathing Addiction

Winter break ends tonight and I didn't finish the book that I was borrowing from the local library.  I'm excited, relieved, anxious, nostalgic, and a bit worried to be going back.  In another universe, spring semester has gone by and I made it out just fine.  In this universe, I'll be able to say the same thing in what will seem like no time at all.  I could go on to talk about how life is fleeting and how minutes turn to days turn to months turn to years, but... I'm out of breath.

First Snow

Eventually, every day will be a holiday.

I always brush my teeth really thoroughly right before a dentist appointment, as if one day of good brushing will make up for half a year of neglect.  It recently occurred to me that I’m paying the dentist to clean my teeth, so excessive scrubbing beforehand doesn’t really make sense economically.

Personals Ad:  Looking for someone who plays hard to get.  If interested, don’t reply.

There aren’t too many rap songs in irregular time signatures.

The first seven notes of one of Bach’s compositions features the same melody as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Facebook Stalkers Rejoice

We teach our children to refer to us as “mommy” and “daddy” because it is the standard notion that this is how little kids speak.  Thus, they refer to us as “mommy” and “daddy.”  Thus, we continue to teach them to refer to us as such.

Blackstar Reunited

Does admitting to being a racist get you out of jury duty?

I’m under the impression that professional acting is a competitive field, but I turn on the TV and all the acting I see is crap.

Humans are not interfering with nature.  Humans are nature.

When something is a good value, it is rarely valuable.

Selling drugs is cool, but only if they’re illegal.  There are no rappers who used to be pharmacists in the hood.  (Dr. Dre is a PhD, not an MD)

The price of buying commercial time on a television station should depend on which commercial slot a company is given.  For example, the first commercial after a show cuts away should be the most expensive, because everyone sees at least the beginning of it before they change the channel.

A rationalization is often an irrationalization.

The Shed

"When you are addicted to drugs you put the tiger in the cage to recover; when you are addicted to food you put the tiger in the cage, but take it out three times a day for a walk."

“The name’s Gigli, it rhymes with ‘really’.”

 “It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”

“The best writers have said very little and the worst, far too much.”

Satirical Miracle

Stuck!

Help!

Bring some rope and a lantern.

On second thought, just a bottle of scotch

and the rope, too.

Mark Twain

Using a bathroom with a slimming toilet paper roll is like playing hot potato.

There are 1.07 males for every female in the US.

Do cigarette sales decrease after New Years?

Acknowledging man’s ignorance is not the same as positing a god.

“Nor” is a word that doesn’t sound natural in speech, but is often grammatically necessary to use (as opposed to using “or”).  I say we get rid of it.

Are maple trees the only ones that produce syrup?  If so, why?  If not, why don’t we ever hear about the others?

I see so many people, but so few pregnant women.

Toothpaste for Dinner

Suicide rates actually decrease during the holiday season.

Referees often act as both the police and the judges of their respective sports.  Isn't this a flawed system?

Things are the way they are because they have to be the way they are in order to be the way they are.

There should be a video game about starting your own cult.  Rockstar Games would make it and it would simply be called “Cult.”  You would be able to choose what type of cult it is, how it operates, etc.  Fun for the whole family!

How do deaf people communicate when they drive?

Light waves are intrinsically colorless.  The observer adds color.

Do font-designers consider themselves to be artists?  I want to do that for a living.

 I came up with this idea only to find out it had already been invented

“You measure a democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists.”

“I do not paint a portrait to look like the subject, rather does the person grow to look like his portrait.”

“She’s armed with enough credit cards to choke a horse.”

“It’s Seinfeld on crack.”