Orange Juice of Magnesia

Voicemail messages are mundane and often pointless.  “Hi, this is Phil.”  Yes, I know who you are.  That’s why I called you.  Or sometimes “You’ve reached 234-5678.”  Thanks, I know your phone number because I called you.  What frustrates me the most is when people feel it’s necessary to give instructions about how to leave a message.  “Leave your name and phone number after the beep and I’ll get back to you soon.”  I will obviously give you my name.  I realize that phone-calling requires phone numbers, so I’ll give you that too.  And yes, I know to wait until after the goddamn beep!

Now What?

I won’t tolerate intolerance. 

The underlying reason that precious metals (gold, etc.) are so valuable is that people think they are.

If you get divorced, do your in-laws become your ex-father-in-law and ex-mother-in-law?  Or your out-laws?

Vizzini from The Princess Bride = Bertram from Family Guy

Commercials tend to be louder than the show itself.  I often find myself turning the volume down for the commercials, and then I am unable to hear what I’m watching when it comes back on.  This sounds like a ploy concocted by the advertisers.  

It is now mandatory for all celebrity politicians to publish a book.

At NBA games it is possible to hear the basketball dribbling and the players’ sneakers squeaking on the court.  This is strange, considering how noisy the stadiums are.


TRIVIUM:  Larry King informed the current Dalai Lama about the completion of the Human Genome Project.          

Jim Morrison Predicts the Future

MATH FAIL:  Aristotle once said, “The smallest number, in the strict sense, is two."

In sports like football, it’s important to be aggressive.  But lately there have been lots of injuries from people being too aggressive.  That’s why when I play, I’m always passive-aggressive.  “Are you sure you want to run it right up the middle?”  “Your last play wasn’t too successful, guys.”

I’ve only heard “Where’s the beef?” in the context of people talking about popular slogans.

Toilet Paper Orientation

Successful bands either play good music or have really clever names.  Take the Beatles, for example.

“Don’t you want to come?” and “Do you not want to come?” ask the same thing literally, but opposite things colloquially.  (Think about how you’d respond to both)

How come you type it up but write it down?

“No outlet” signs always confused me growing up because I assumed they were referring to electrical sockets.  “No way out” signs would be more descriptive, but scarier.

Almost a haiku:

In case of fire

elevators

are out of service