Lemon Lift

  “Remember the days when you didn’t have to type in an area code?  Those were the days.”

-Jon

"Most people never ask"

In a two-story house, bedrooms are always on the second story.  I think I’ve figured it out:  no one wants to wake up in the morning and walk upstairs.

“Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short”

When teachers say “That’s actually a perfect segway,” it’s no longer a perfect segway.

I just had a dream that I was back home, then realized it was a memory.

WOTD:  naïveté (n) the state of being naïve

Part of me wants to call a suicide hotline and talk about suicide from a purely philosophical perspective.  The rest of me is not an asshole.

Poetry is language art.

Wikipedia is vehemently opposed to running ads, unless the ads are for Wikipedia.  The way I see it, there are two reasons the website opposes ads:  they are annoying, and there would be conflicts of interest between the content and the advertisers.  The banner space pleading readers to donate money to keep Wikipedia running are identical to normal ads in these regards.  They are as annoying as banner ads.  Also, keep in mind that Wikipedia is a firm itself, albeit a non-profit.  The same conflicts of interest arise between Wikipedia, the donation-seeking firm and Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia that provides free content.

Eat it when you’re hungry.  Food goes bad.

Jesus may not have been hanged.

Adding milk to eggs just dilutes the flavor.  This tactic was popularized during the Depression to stretch out the food supply.

What is the official rule for articles preceding words that start with a consonant but make the sound of a vowel?  Is it “a NFL game” or “an NFL game?”

Yucky

I Think I Am

In school I learned that Indonesian puppet shows typically feature similar characters, story lines, and morals.  The most popular variety is about a warrior on a quest to rescue a princess in the face of monstrous enemies, like dragons or whatever.  The gamelan music played during these performances is always similar, along with the shapes and voices of the puppets and puppeteers, respectively.  I remember thinking at the time that it must get boring for the Indonesian people to see essentially the same story over and over again in different puppet shows.  Then I thought about movies in the United States.

I’m never quite sure how big an acre is.  It is lumped in the “unclear measurements” category along with furlong and cubit.

Writers love to write about writing.

UPDATE:  Actually heard someone refer to the Matrix movies as the “Matrices.”

Benjamin Franklin was the first person to use pictures in newspaper advertisements.

I always set my alarm for “even” times, though it may be less practical.  For example, I can calculate that it will take me exactly 27 minutes to leisurely wake up, get ready, and walk to class.  However, instead of setting my alarm for 10:03 (when my class is at 10:30), I’ll set it for 10:00.  There’s just something weird about a 10:03 alarm.  The world runs on 5 minute intervals.

A simile is a metaphor.  A metaphor is like a simile.

Affirmative Action Bake Sale

Unionized:  union-ized or un-ion-ized?

Every time I go to the butcher, he asks me how thick I want my slices of meat.  I don’t understand why anyone would have a preference.  After all, multiple slices typically go in one sandwich.  I guess theoretically you have more specific control over how much meat goes into a particular sandwich if the slices are really thin.  But who cares?  … Is my life really this mundane?

We hear the ideas of those who will their ideas to be heard.  We read the books of those who publish their words.  Perhaps we would benefit from hearing the other side that hides in the shadows.

RFD:  There is exactly one variety of locusts that is kosher.

Do meteorologists actually compile scientific data to determine the forecast, or are they merely television personalities?

There aren’t really any professional sports teams that think outside of the box.  Overwhelmingly, the overall strategies within a league are exhaustingly similar.  Innovation is the footwear of success.  For example, a running back on the Rams could anonymously murder the families of the players that tackle him.  Eventually a pattern would emerge and people would realize that the mysterious deaths of these NFL families all happen a day after the Rams games.  The opponents would think twice about tackling said running back, and he would be able to run the ball into the end zone every play.  Notice that this strategy does not violate any NFL rules.

 “You’re the only duck in my pond”

Casual Ambulance

Why does the term “doctor” exist?  To some degree, it makes sense to have a title for medical doctors, as it makes the patients feel more at ease.  They’re not getting their rectum examined by Joe Stethoscope, but by Doctor Stethoscope. 

On the other hand, when someone gets a PhD in Greco-Roman classical studies, there is no need for a special title; a degree will suffice.  I have difficulty thinking of a situation in which there is an urgent need to know whether or not someone has recieved an advanced degree in a specialized area of academia.  "Oh my God!  Jimmy will only survive if we can name the protagnists in Homer's major epics.  Is there a Greco-Roman classical studies PhD in the house?" 

"Doctor" as a title is more for showiness than practicality.  When you introduce yourself as a doctor because you can, you have only succeeded in communicating the idea that you want the introducees to know that you are a doctor.  That being said, if I ever become a doctor, I will insist that everyone refers to me as such, all the time.

Because being nice without a megaphone is weird

No matter where life takes me, I always end up clipping my fingernails.


Figure out how the following are related:  waves, couches, the internet.

Syntax refers to words, semantics refers to their meanings.  The next time someone claims that an argument is “just semantics” because of differences in terminology, tell him that he is wrong.  And then kick him.

Interesting Number Paradox

All pencils are colored pencils.

I wonder if I’ve ever posted the same thing twice in different blog posts.  I also wonder if this is the first time I’ve “broken the fourth wall” by explicitly referring to this blog in this blog.  Does that make you uncomfortable?  Lastly, I wonder why I feel the need to qualify my thoughts with “I wonder.”  Obviously I am wondering these things.  But even after this realization, I didn’t go back to remove the “I wonders” from my blog, or even this brief rant.  By the way, I just referenced my blog again.  And again.  Etc.

 The sepia tone is named after a genus of cuttlefish, all of which are light brown.

Most optometrists wear glasses.  I’m convinced it’s because of the savings they get on eyewear. 

Facebook Privacy

“Under God” was added to the pledge in the 50’s during the Cold War, in order to make a statement to the communist Russians.

There should be a term for that brief eye contact you have with a stranger before you both look away.

Beard Folk



Answer:  things you surf

Psychosemantic Analyticity

Currently:

Wondering:  If science is preferable to mysticism
Listening to:  "A Ghost is Born" by Wilco
Reading:  "The Psychedelic Experience" by Watts
Working on:  How to market coconut water

Botstalking

When I was a kid, I met the couple that introduced my parents for the first time decades ago.  Not sure that I fully grasped the importance of this until just now.  I would love to speak with these two and ask them, “Do you realize that if it wasn’t for you deciding to set my parents up, I wouldn’t exist?”

What would happen if you tried to break into a jail?

I like the word “triangulate.”

Read the thing I wrote at the end about Facebook (back in February).  I predicted it!

If you’re looking for the best search engine optimization company, simply type “search engine optimization” in Google and choose the first company that’s listed.

The “missed connections” section on Craigslist is an inspiration mine for fiction writers.

Everyone has a belief system and there is no way to determine which is valid, or more valid than another.  We are all confined to a worldview and in order to evaluate these, we must first step outside of them entirely.  And if we do that, we are not in any position to make sense of much at all.

Useless rhymes:  complicated/constipated, ontologist/oncologist

Vodka Taste Test

I want to start an American flag company that gets so big that it knocks out its competition.  A monopoly on patriotism.

What’s the term for the study of races?

Daniel Radcliffe pretty much has to dress up as Harry Potter for Halloween.

Helvetica