Heterophenomenology

Solution appears at end

George W. Bush lived in Compton as a little kid.

Decades are just arbitrary cut-offs that make it convenient to break time up into sections.  On December 31, 1959, the United States did not go from a state of placid, civilized suburbia to a groovy hippie-fest.  Terms like “the 50’s” and “the 60’s” have shaped the way we view the past.  In some respect, these dividers are useful.  It is difficult to view time as a seamless linear concept.  Breaking the past up into decades allows us to review certain eras from a historical perspective, but it is still important to understand the nature of time.

What’s the difference between an object and a detailed description of an object?

Principle of Explosion

To have a controversial bumper sticker on your car, you have to be a really safe driver.

Did public bathrooms always have liquid soap?  It seems like a relatively new innovation.  But I can’t imagine what they did before liquid soap.  Bar soap would just be gross.

Tibetan Buddhists believe that sneezing can create a moment of clear consciousness, similar to the effects of meditation.  “Bless you.”

Elevators should have benches.

Occasionally I want to leave somewhere for no particular reason, or if I get bored, and whoever I’m with asks “Where are you going?”  There should be a widely-known euphemism for saying that you just feel like leaving.  I suggest “I’m going to a spoon convention.”  Let’s see if it catches on.

Ernest Hemingway, his father, his brother, and his sister all committed suicide.

To say that someone “lost his mind” is to imply that one’s “self” (or soul, if you prefer) resides in his body, independent of the mind.  It seems more accurate to say that someone has “lost his body.”

Note-taking should be considered an art form.

Okay, Dolphins!

Coffins are always overpriced because the people buying them generally care deeply about the person that will be using it.  Even the cheapest person will cough up some extra cash for their parents’ coffins.  The coffin manufacturers are taking advantage of the mourners!  (Note:  I didn’t do any research into the subject; this is pure speculation).

I eat salads methodically.

There was once a time when people didn’t brush their teeth.

What’s the point of measuring the proof of an alcoholic beverage?  I can’t imagine a situation in which knowing the percentage wouldn’t suffice.  As far as I’m concerned, it was just another term to remember for health tests.

What does a strictly observant Jewish woman do if she is in labor on the Sabbath?  Does she have to hold it in?  Can she have a C-section?

A pedometer sounds like it measures feet.

The Cool Spot

I often hear that voting is a privilege.  In a democratic society, voting is a right of the citizens.  (Technically the U.S. is a republic, but we won’t get into that)  That is how a democracy functions.  Just because other countries don’t operate under a democracy (and thus, the citizens don’t vote), doesn’t mean that voting in the U.S. is privilege.  Perhaps living in the U.S. is a privilege, but that is certainly arguable.

Cantankerous?  Can’t Anger Us!

No one ever wakes themselves up from their own snoring.  Why is that?

The part of the cell phone where it plugs into the charger should glow in the dark.

Justin Bieber is a Pedophile

Solution to Riddle

Confusion Counselor

How often do libraries get rid of books?  Theoretically, they have to eliminate books at the same rate as they acquire them (or physically expand their space).  Whose job is it to pick what books get the cabash?  And what do they do with the losers?

Hugh Hefner purchased the crypt space to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

Why do you make small talk?  Why don’t you just do it?

Until the 1970s, many states had “Ugly Laws” prohibiting ugly people from appearing in public.

It’s always breaking news when a celebrity dies.  It’s never breaking news when a celebrity is born.

Anton's Syndrome

According to a 2003 study conducted at the University of Florida, more of retail store’s inventory is lost due to employee theft than to shoplifting.

If songs are ice, Girl Talk is water.

I enjoy reading YouTube video comments, but I’ve never been bored enough to register a YouTube account and actually comment on a video (okay, I have been that bored but I've never actually done it).  Have you ever listened to a song on YouTube and the video is just a slideshow of photos of the band?  The comments are always fascinating.  “I especially enjoyed the photos.”  “Thanks.”  It makes my day everytime.

How do they estimate how many words are in the English language?

There haven’t been any really famous redheads besides Lucy and Carrot Top.

Regarding species in the animal kingdom, there is a positive correlation between number of mating partners and size of testicles.

In the future, water will cost money at restaurants because of a world-wide water shortage.

Teachers tell us that the meaning of particular poem, song, or other piece of art is not conclusive.  Rather, it is to be determined by the person viewing the art.  It is true that art reflects life in the fact that the meaning of the latter, too, is subjective.  This, however, is not commonly taught at school.

Do bald Sikhs still wear the religious headdress?  How?

“Pontificate” refers to the office of the Pope or bishop.

“Midas Touch” and “mustachio’d” are anagrams.

Pared

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”

"I think in a few years there will be Reality TV Anonymous self-help groups."

“I will not die.  It’s the world that will end.”

“I think the reason I like politics is just because it’s like another sport.”

Time Turns Elastic

The clock on the wall means nothing at all

As time turns elastic

Like a jellybean transformed into silly putty

By a magical wizard

            `

Who lives in a forest

Controlled by a thousand elves-

512 of which are female

(of course, leaving the other 488 to be male).

Yeah, that’s totally what happened.

Notoriety Inside of Me (I'm Waitin' for the Haikus)

0:02-0:23

The FDA currently permits seven artificial colorings to be used in food.  Among them are Blue #1 and #2, and Red #3 and #40.  Apparently blue is safe, but 38 out of 40 shades of red are poisonous.

 “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”

Create a website/Facebook application that allows you to say when you are “bored” and post your location.  When someone else is bored (in your area), you will be notified via text message.

Do you have to be drunk to be belligerent?

I always loved to watch a teacher get observed by a supervisor while they were teaching.  The new ones would squirm under pressure.  Also, it was a great opportunity to get back at the teachers that you didn’t like.

“Thoughts in music and language often depend on the quality of pen and paper.” 

TO DO: Compose “The Toilet Symphony,” which consists of three (bowel) movements.

She gets her period on the 1^st of every month.  She’s very punctual.

I went to a concert the other day and the venue marked two black x’s on my hands to indicate that I’m not old enough to purchase alcohol.  That was probably the first time in my life that I thought “Damn, I wish I didn’t have hands.”  Captain Hook must have had a pretty crazy adolescence.

Snoop Dogg’s birth name is Cordozar Calvin Broadus.  His parent’s nicknamed him Snoopy when he was a kid.

Her eyes, as blue as what a better simile would compare her eyes to.

Why do glasses make people look smart?  Is vision negatively correlated with intelligence? 

Many music artists currently choose to utilize new technology to stay connected with their fans (e.g. Twitter).  Sometimes this takes away from the mysterious nature of their music.  I don't want to know that Thom Yorke is going to the dentist.

“It feels weird to use others’ moment of worship as a moment of nostalgia.”

An alcoholic person is less fun than an alcoholic drink.

Why aren’t more cars stolen from car dealerships?  They leave hundreds of brand new cars sitting outside overnight.  And it isn’t because of security.  Sure, most dealerships have security cameras, but they are seldom monitored 24/7.

Google and Facebook are the new Carnegie and Rockefeller.

One of the Wachowski Brothers (Matrix directors) had a sex change.  They now go by the Wachowski Siblings.  Not quite as catchy.

Why are train conductors necessary?

Prank:  Put fake parking tickets on people’s windshields.

When you apply for a gun they ask if it’s for hunting or protection.  That’s like asking if you’re gonna shoot animals or people.

Soon VH1 will air “I Love the 00s.”  After that, they plan to predict the future and create an “I Love the 10s.”  Pretty soon, they will have to specify which century they are talking about.

Kim Jong-Il was once the single largest purchaser of Hennessy.

“Peace, baby, is hard to sell.”

0:56-1:06

Creative Destruction

It was just one of those days

You know what I’m talking about

Think about it...

Wu-Tang Clan member RZA is cousins with GZA and the late Old Dirty Bastard.

Do visual artists ever “cover” other paintings, like musicians do with songs?

Rhyming was imported into English poetry after the Battle of Hastings in 1066, when the French entered England.  It’s strange to think that there was a time when rhyming did not exist in the English language.

TO DO:  Get a diagonally striped shirt.

Water vapor is lighter than air.

The words hyperbola and hyperbole are both derived from a Greek word meaning “over-thrown” or “excessive.”

I want to be a biographer for someone who is not famous.  It would have to pay really well, though.

.99999 = 1??

Discombobulate is useful word when writing iambic poetry.

I wonder if any balding men have become Jewish in order to wear a yarmulke to cover their bald spot.

Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize “unamused” as a word.

If you hold the left arrow key while watching most Youtube videos, you can play Snake.

Strawberry is a member of the “Big Three” ice cream flavors (the other two, of course, being the Neapolitan brothers, chocolate and vanilla).  Why is strawberry ice cream so much more popular than blueberry or raspberry?

Page margins are inefficient.  In the future they will not exist.

I sometimes wish that I didn’t speak English.  Or any language for that matter.  Language by nature shapes thought.  Only when we transcend language can we begin to have more (relatively) meaningful ideas.  Of course, they become much harder to communicate.

Reverse Dictionary

How do you become qualified to teach graduate school?

Being the word "allegedly" would suck.  It's always used in relation to crime or unethical behavior, and the legal politics involved.  I'd rather be the word "unicorn."  "Spiral" would be cool also.

It’s weird how all countries have a flag.  You would think that out of (approx.) 200 countries that exist, at least one of them would dare to be different.  FUN FACT:  No country has an official fragrance.

“No one’s gonna tell you when to smile so be happy all the time.”

“Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee?”

“I go hard or I go home.  Most of the time I go home, but sometimes I go really hard.  I swear.”

“Everyone’s a little queer.  Why can’t she be a little straight?”

Part-time Mom, Full-time Gangster

Sociable, the Tandem Alternative

In the not-too-distant future, there will be no tangible forms of money.

It would be very inconvenient to live near the imaginary line that divides time zones.  I wonder if towns on the border specify whether events are going to occur at 2pm EST or Central, for the convenience of the citizens.  On the bright side, it would be very easy to build a time machine there.

Wayne is Insane

To be or to do, that is the question.

As a child, I always assumed football was synonymous with the NFL, basketball was synonymous with the NBA, etc.  I guess the marketers of major sports leagues are doing their jobs well.

The ocean is blue because the water itself is (slightly) blue.  This is only noticeable with a fairly large amount of water.

Interestingness is the derivate of beauty.

Common Misconceptions

Pitcher Gus Weyhing holds the MLB record for hitting the most batters in a career.  Not exactly the most honorable record.

The term “lol” no longer solely stands for “laughing out loud.”  With the soaring popularity of text messaging, lol has taken on a life of its own.  It is now used in varying contexts, with a meaning that is often something along the lines of “that was funny” (in response to a joke) or “isn’t that funny?” (as in, “this class is pointless like a dull pencil lol.”  Also, it is sometimes just used as a placeholder to respond to a message where no other response is warranted.

To do: Eat a Krispy Kreme cheeseburger

Chess Homosexuality

Crocodiles and alligators come from the same order but a different family.  The latter’s snout is wider than the former’s, giving it a more powerful crushing force.

What’s the difference between the words instantly and instantaneously?

The people who come up with Sky Mall ideas should become scientists and politicians.

Syncing up the cartoon characters’ mouth movements with the audio track of a TV show must be extremely tedious.

The Onion: Equal Opportunities for Slackers

“There’s a moth in the wine.  Not sleeping.  I carried the team on this one.”

“Information is only as valuable as its source.”

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."

Discovery Covers the Jackson 5

Throwin' Spaghetti

I haven't updated SITP in a little bit.  But I guess that's a good thing because it means that I have been doing stuff.  Let's see... Since my last post I went to Six Flags, went to NYC to see a concert (Neon Indian, sorta), went to Philly to see a concert (MGMT), went to Chicago, celebrated a birthday, and finished writing a sitcom, among other things.

So now here I am, back where I started.  It's always fun to do something new.  After all, "spontaneity is the jewel of the Nile."  However, comfort is oft found in repetition and predictability.  Why do you think so many people choose to go to the same 9-5 daily, only to come home to the same house with the same family year after year?

I try to find a middle ground between extemporaneousness and consistency.

Colorado

Fun for the whole family tends to mean fun for the kids.

Poetically speaking, if one of the Beatles was going to be assassinated, I’m glad that it was John Lennon.

A tongue can’t taste itself.

The realization that celebrities are just people, as opposed to the superhuman archetype that they are often made out to be, is a minor example of a personal metaphysical awakening.  If you continue to think this way, you may be surprised with your discoveries.

I wonder if two football players have ever switched uniforms before a game.

I’d rather explore the world than change it.

The naked boy swimming on the cover of Nirvana’s Nevermind now probably talks about it all the time to pick up women.

Trains are becoming obsolete.  The technology involved with the basic freight or passenger train hasn’t evolved much at all in the past 200 years.  Plus, they just feel archaic.  In a couple of generations, trains as we know them will seem as old-fashioned as black and white televisions.

There’s too much advice out there.  Everyone is trying to help each other but no one knows what they want.

Worthless is the opposite of priceless.

Shaq at his finest

Download "Beach City"

Left-handed Piano

“If the government doesn’t trust the people, why doesn’t it dissolve them and elect a new people?”