Falafel, Musa, and the AFC

I got back from Israel a few days ago and am now free of jet lag and shekels (well, except for a few coins I kept as souvenirs).  Memories have already begun to fade, so it seems especially important to write down some of the details that I can recall.

Throughout the trip, our group was accompanied by an armed security guard.  Oogie, the 22-year-old rifle-wielding ex-professional vocalist, made sure no crazy shit went down.  Aside from calming a drunken vagabond outside a hookah bar in Bet Yam, his duties were mainly preventative.  Dressed in stone-washed jeans, Versace frames, and Chuck Taylors, you would never know he wasn’t part of our group (okay, maybe the thick Israeli accent would have given it away).

Our tour guide, Hagai, was the man.  Strangely obsessed with sundried snippets of Americana, he would often fill a lull driving through the Negev with brief renditions of songs you might hear on VH1.  “Love shack, baby love shack!”  According to him, bus rides would always take a certain number of minutes “give or take 15 seconds.”  I still haven’t quite figured out the Israeli sense of humor, but I think it involves sarcasm.

(I could go on to talk about our chain-smoking, watermelon-buying bus driver, Musa, or our trip coordinators, Merav and Omri, but I am currently packing up for skate camp and must leave some details out.)

Throughout the trip, we went to many places including the Western Wall, the Dead Sea, Masada, and even a Bedouin tent, where we spent the night.  Moving from kibbutz to hostel to tent for 10 days was physically exhausting but mentally refreshing.  After getting too accustomed to one location and one way of life, daily comfort turns into monotony.  By breaking the routine and living out of a suitcase for a week and half, I got a much-needed environmental shift.

My favorite part of the trip?  Tough to say.  If I had to pick something that stands out above the rest, it would be meeting actual Israelis my age.  For five days and nights, Israeli citizens ages 18-21 tagged along with us and effectively became part of our group.  In Israel, once you turn 18, both boys and girls are required to join the Israeli Defense Force (IDF).  I’ve learned that most are proud to defend their country and view it as a civic responsibility.  The fact that virtually all native Israelis have served in the IDF means many things:  guns aren’t a big deal, young people are fairly mature, there is really strong nationalism, you can get a free bus ride anywhere if you’re wearing a uniform.

It’s impossible to perfectly convey any given minute of personal experience to another person, let alone a 10-day trip to Israel.  Hopefully it worked anyway, though.  Here’s some pictures: 

Karma Meter

“May the days be aimless. Let the seasons drift. Do not advance the action according to a plan.”

-Don DeLillo, White Noise

"Animal Collective has replaced being alive.  I aspire to think of myself as an analog person, but I am not.  I have been converted to digital without the remastering, and the fidelity is appalling."

-Chuck Klosterman, Eating the Dinosaur

Ya Know?

Everyone has thought at some point that “we should have our own TV show.”

All whiptail lizards are female.  Guess how they reproduce.

Good novels aren’t about stories, they’re about ideas.

Band name:  HMO and the Pre-existing Conditions

Do pregnant women pay a sharing charge at restaurants?

Jefferson's Bible

I can never think of a joke when someone asks me to think of a joke.

Thanks, Google, for reminding me it was Mother’s Day.  We’re even now.

Tap water is regulated much more than bottled water.

Doesn't disingenuous just mean genuous?

Thomas Edison founded General Electric.

If mayo is so fattening, why is there a health clinic named after it?

Handwritten signatures will soon be obsolete.

Demographic-Economic Paradox

We’re all method actors.

"The tides come in, the tides go out, sun go up, sun go down."

Let Me Know

The following is a story that a friend sent to me through text messages.  I edited it for minor grammar mistakes and changed the names.

Okay first of all, he looks the exact same as he used to be.  It’s like he’s stuck in his little “Lance in Mr. Pfeiffer’s class” skin for the rest of his life.  So we start talking; it’s made all the more awkward cause Deborah [Lance’s mom] is just standing there moderating our conversation.  Soon into our chat Hank [a fellow congregant] walks into the room.  I impulsively looked over due to his imposing stature.  We caught each other’s eye and he strode over to shake my hand.  He gave his condolences (“Thank you, thank you”), made some small talk, (“No, Hank, I didn’t catch the game last night”), and then he left.  Just completely ignored Lance who, chipper just seconds before, was now obviously disgruntled. 

After that incident we returned to conversing, but the level of uncomfortableness was now unbearable.  Naturally our talk turned to schooling and our future plans.  It turned out we both go to BCC.  Finally we had something in common!  However, this moment of bliss was short-lived.  He was talking about some class (I forget what it was, let’s just say it was Ethics of Business Law and Marketplace Philosophy for the purpose of our discussion).  Reluctant to trod on any toes, I feigned interest in this class (much like I did with Steve Holt and Nimitz class). 

This is where the bomb gets dropped.  I said, “Let me know how the class is and if I should take it next semester.”  “Sure, I’ll be sure to tell you how it turns out,” he responded.  It seemed like we had finally reached a level of nonawkwardness.  But then ten seconds later after the banter, we both realized something:  we didn’t have each other’s number, and we weren’t Facebook friends.  I didn’t even have his e-mail.  We never go to synagogue anymore.  It was highly likely that I would never see Lance again, and if I did, it would be in a few years when this topic would be obsolete.  Once it dawned on both of us that there was absolutely no way he would ever be able to “let me know” how his class was, it became horribly awkward, and I had to bow out of the conversation soon after that.

Visionary Vigilante

Counters provide at least two purposes.  The first is pretty obvious; they act as surface that can be used for signing papers, holding bags, etc.  In addition, the counter that separates the customer from the employee, or the novice from the professional, acts as a physical barrier to symbolize the distinction between two people.  The person that approaches the counter is there for a reason.  Namely, he requests the services of the person behind the counter or the person whom is represented by the person behind the counter.  He is weak and he needs assistance.  

The person behind the counter is in a position of power.  She has been in the same position long before the approaching person came into the building.  The counter means that she isn’t going anywhere.  The area behind the counter is reserved for professionals, and it is an area that she has access to.  When you try to speak to her, the counter is keeping you from getting too close.  All of these functions are counter-intuitive.

You're going to call me a fee-fee boy for crying at a movie?

Does the Exxon tanker run on its own fuel?

In school, we are only taught by those who have chosen teaching as a profession.  This inherently biases the information that the students receive.

Keep east in Easter.

You can always tell someone they don’t accept criticism well.  Either they agree, or they disagree, thus proving your point.

Facebook has a Twitter.  Twitter has a Facebook.

Having fewer kids is seldom suggested as a way to preserve the environment but in many respects, it is much more effective than recycling or buying a hybrid.  Also, suicide is another strategy for “going green.”  Generally speaking, the fewer humans there are, the better shape the planet will be in.  But humans are selfish and care more about themselves than about Earth.

It's true

Fashion is always making statements, but never exclaiming, questioning, or commanding.

What did everyone do before alarm clocks?

“Lola” by the Kinks and “Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed are about the same transvestite.

Do medical students often convince themselves that they have medical students’ disease?

I can now notice myself aging in pictures that were taken within seemingly recent memory.

How do you delete the recycling bin?

I can never recall the exact moment that I fell asleep.

Weird

To the Pupil

Idiomatic machine spewing out yesterday’s garbage and today’s stink, tell me something new.

Give me words to transcend their form. 

I crave depth, I need emotion.  I can’t make up obvious

bullshit based on bullshit

that is slightly more obvious. 

There’s gotta be reason to wit and reason to make sense of it all;

if you’re reasonless,

I am without reason to reason. 

So remember to live and remember your life

and take what’s offered to make your masterpiece. 

Without light, there is nothing to see.

Earthhh

My parents were both from Jewish families. I was not brought up Jewish in any religious way. My circumcision was as Jewish as they got. I used to go to Roman Catholic church with my friends, and when I was 11, I got baptized in a Church of Christ in Hicksville. I’m a cultural Jew. I like the Lower East Side humor, the food. I think the Yiddish language is terrifically expressive. Does that make me a complete Jew or a partial Jew? I’m not really sure.

-Billy Joel

The RZA, The GZA, Investah Deck

How many milkmen started their career as paperboys?  Is there some sort of promotional process there?  And is milk more difficult to deliver than paper?  You have to be an adult to deliver milk.  I remember getting milk delivered to my house as a kid.  That’s a memory that already seems antiquated.

Right now, there is probably a screenplay called “Development Hell” that is in development hell.

So what exactly can someone do if they find out my social security number?

Seeing Eye Dog is a registered trademark.

If you have ever held the door open for an old lady, you have behaved as a utilitarian.

I recently had a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream.  I kept waking up thinking “I can’t believe I didn’t realize that I was dreaming.”  When I finally got out of bed, I made sure to check the light switch.

White Male Scholarship

Am I currently talking to you or talking about talking to you?

No one likes the sound of their voice when they listen to a recording of it.

Sand forms in two places:  the sea and the desert.  One is uncommonly wet and the other is uncommonly dry.  I think we can conclude that sand forms independent of moisture.

Four times as many males commit suicide.  Two times as many females attempt suicide.

What would a traditional Catholic do if her husband converted to Judaism?  Stay married to a Jew or get divorced?

Beating Consciousness Back Down to Size

Hearing AIDS

I have a good idea for a romantic comedy to get a bit of publicity and have some fun.  When it comes out in theaters, during one of the screenings, the movie should interact with the crowd.  The pivotal scene in the movie, unbeknownst to the audience, will be acted out live by the original actor and actress, but filmed and displayed in real time, as if it were a normal part of the movie.  A crew member in the theater will secretly find a couple making out and call the movie set, letting the actors know where they are sitting and what they look like.  The actors will then stop reciting the script, turn towards the camera (as if they are looking at the audience) and say, “Excuse me:  Are you making out?  Yeah, that’s right.  I’m talking to the couple wearing matching red jumpsuits in the back row.  Do you realize this is the fucking climax of the movie?  How dare you!  I don’t go into your office and start locking lips while you’re trying to do your job.  Have a little respect!”  The movie will then resume.

Nardwuar Interviews During an Interview

Good joke for purchasing a leather wallet:  If I buy this, I won’t have anything left to put in it!

I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and guess what kind of tree this is.

Where do new boats come from if they’re all female?

I don’t recall ever learning about semi-colons in school; it was something that I picked up on the streets.  For some reason language arts didn’t cover it.  And who decided that learning about interrogative sentences was an art?

I thought they should have a suggestion box, but didn’t know how to express myself.

“Any travel is time travel.”

The Paralympics

In the United States, it is illegal to discriminate based on skin color, but eye color is fair game.  Apparently, one is trivial and one is a hate crime.

I can eat part of the cake and have the other part.

FBI, HTML, and KFC are initialisms, not acronyms.  It’s only considered an acronym if you pronounce the group of letters as a word (e.g. scuba).

I don’t have anything hanging above my bed because I’m scared it will fall and hit my head while I’m asleep.  What’s the term for that phobia?

Month Saturation

Perfect pitch is more common among people who speak tonal languages (like Chinese).

"Monogamy... is not in your DNA."