Time Turns Elastic

The clock on the wall means nothing at all

As time turns elastic

Like a jellybean transformed into silly putty

By a magical wizard

            `

Who lives in a forest

Controlled by a thousand elves-

512 of which are female

(of course, leaving the other 488 to be male).

Yeah, that’s totally what happened.

Notoriety Inside of Me (I'm Waitin' for the Haikus)

0:02-0:23

The FDA currently permits seven artificial colorings to be used in food.  Among them are Blue #1 and #2, and Red #3 and #40.  Apparently blue is safe, but 38 out of 40 shades of red are poisonous.

 “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”

Create a website/Facebook application that allows you to say when you are “bored” and post your location.  When someone else is bored (in your area), you will be notified via text message.

Do you have to be drunk to be belligerent?

I always loved to watch a teacher get observed by a supervisor while they were teaching.  The new ones would squirm under pressure.  Also, it was a great opportunity to get back at the teachers that you didn’t like.

“Thoughts in music and language often depend on the quality of pen and paper.” 

TO DO: Compose “The Toilet Symphony,” which consists of three (bowel) movements.

She gets her period on the 1^st of every month.  She’s very punctual.

I went to a concert the other day and the venue marked two black x’s on my hands to indicate that I’m not old enough to purchase alcohol.  That was probably the first time in my life that I thought “Damn, I wish I didn’t have hands.”  Captain Hook must have had a pretty crazy adolescence.

Snoop Dogg’s birth name is Cordozar Calvin Broadus.  His parent’s nicknamed him Snoopy when he was a kid.

Her eyes, as blue as what a better simile would compare her eyes to.

Why do glasses make people look smart?  Is vision negatively correlated with intelligence? 

Many music artists currently choose to utilize new technology to stay connected with their fans (e.g. Twitter).  Sometimes this takes away from the mysterious nature of their music.  I don't want to know that Thom Yorke is going to the dentist.

“It feels weird to use others’ moment of worship as a moment of nostalgia.”

An alcoholic person is less fun than an alcoholic drink.

Why aren’t more cars stolen from car dealerships?  They leave hundreds of brand new cars sitting outside overnight.  And it isn’t because of security.  Sure, most dealerships have security cameras, but they are seldom monitored 24/7.

Google and Facebook are the new Carnegie and Rockefeller.

One of the Wachowski Brothers (Matrix directors) had a sex change.  They now go by the Wachowski Siblings.  Not quite as catchy.

Why are train conductors necessary?

Prank:  Put fake parking tickets on people’s windshields.

When you apply for a gun they ask if it’s for hunting or protection.  That’s like asking if you’re gonna shoot animals or people.

Soon VH1 will air “I Love the 00s.”  After that, they plan to predict the future and create an “I Love the 10s.”  Pretty soon, they will have to specify which century they are talking about.

Kim Jong-Il was once the single largest purchaser of Hennessy.

“Peace, baby, is hard to sell.”

0:56-1:06

Creative Destruction

It was just one of those days

You know what I’m talking about

Think about it...

Wu-Tang Clan member RZA is cousins with GZA and the late Old Dirty Bastard.

Do visual artists ever “cover” other paintings, like musicians do with songs?

Rhyming was imported into English poetry after the Battle of Hastings in 1066, when the French entered England.  It’s strange to think that there was a time when rhyming did not exist in the English language.

TO DO:  Get a diagonally striped shirt.

Water vapor is lighter than air.

The words hyperbola and hyperbole are both derived from a Greek word meaning “over-thrown” or “excessive.”

I want to be a biographer for someone who is not famous.  It would have to pay really well, though.

.99999 = 1??

Discombobulate is useful word when writing iambic poetry.

I wonder if any balding men have become Jewish in order to wear a yarmulke to cover their bald spot.

Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize “unamused” as a word.

If you hold the left arrow key while watching most Youtube videos, you can play Snake.

Strawberry is a member of the “Big Three” ice cream flavors (the other two, of course, being the Neapolitan brothers, chocolate and vanilla).  Why is strawberry ice cream so much more popular than blueberry or raspberry?

Page margins are inefficient.  In the future they will not exist.

I sometimes wish that I didn’t speak English.  Or any language for that matter.  Language by nature shapes thought.  Only when we transcend language can we begin to have more (relatively) meaningful ideas.  Of course, they become much harder to communicate.

Reverse Dictionary

How do you become qualified to teach graduate school?

Being the word "allegedly" would suck.  It's always used in relation to crime or unethical behavior, and the legal politics involved.  I'd rather be the word "unicorn."  "Spiral" would be cool also.

It’s weird how all countries have a flag.  You would think that out of (approx.) 200 countries that exist, at least one of them would dare to be different.  FUN FACT:  No country has an official fragrance.

“No one’s gonna tell you when to smile so be happy all the time.”

“Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee?”

“I go hard or I go home.  Most of the time I go home, but sometimes I go really hard.  I swear.”

“Everyone’s a little queer.  Why can’t she be a little straight?”

Part-time Mom, Full-time Gangster

Sociable, the Tandem Alternative

In the not-too-distant future, there will be no tangible forms of money.

It would be very inconvenient to live near the imaginary line that divides time zones.  I wonder if towns on the border specify whether events are going to occur at 2pm EST or Central, for the convenience of the citizens.  On the bright side, it would be very easy to build a time machine there.

Wayne is Insane

To be or to do, that is the question.

As a child, I always assumed football was synonymous with the NFL, basketball was synonymous with the NBA, etc.  I guess the marketers of major sports leagues are doing their jobs well.

The ocean is blue because the water itself is (slightly) blue.  This is only noticeable with a fairly large amount of water.

Interestingness is the derivate of beauty.

Common Misconceptions

Pitcher Gus Weyhing holds the MLB record for hitting the most batters in a career.  Not exactly the most honorable record.

The term “lol” no longer solely stands for “laughing out loud.”  With the soaring popularity of text messaging, lol has taken on a life of its own.  It is now used in varying contexts, with a meaning that is often something along the lines of “that was funny” (in response to a joke) or “isn’t that funny?” (as in, “this class is pointless like a dull pencil lol.”  Also, it is sometimes just used as a placeholder to respond to a message where no other response is warranted.

To do: Eat a Krispy Kreme cheeseburger

Chess Homosexuality

Crocodiles and alligators come from the same order but a different family.  The latter’s snout is wider than the former’s, giving it a more powerful crushing force.

What’s the difference between the words instantly and instantaneously?

The people who come up with Sky Mall ideas should become scientists and politicians.

Syncing up the cartoon characters’ mouth movements with the audio track of a TV show must be extremely tedious.

The Onion: Equal Opportunities for Slackers

“There’s a moth in the wine.  Not sleeping.  I carried the team on this one.”

“Information is only as valuable as its source.”

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."

Discovery Covers the Jackson 5

Throwin' Spaghetti

I haven't updated SITP in a little bit.  But I guess that's a good thing because it means that I have been doing stuff.  Let's see... Since my last post I went to Six Flags, went to NYC to see a concert (Neon Indian, sorta), went to Philly to see a concert (MGMT), went to Chicago, celebrated a birthday, and finished writing a sitcom, among other things.

So now here I am, back where I started.  It's always fun to do something new.  After all, "spontaneity is the jewel of the Nile."  However, comfort is oft found in repetition and predictability.  Why do you think so many people choose to go to the same 9-5 daily, only to come home to the same house with the same family year after year?

I try to find a middle ground between extemporaneousness and consistency.

Colorado

Fun for the whole family tends to mean fun for the kids.

Poetically speaking, if one of the Beatles was going to be assassinated, I’m glad that it was John Lennon.

A tongue can’t taste itself.

The realization that celebrities are just people, as opposed to the superhuman archetype that they are often made out to be, is a minor example of a personal metaphysical awakening.  If you continue to think this way, you may be surprised with your discoveries.

I wonder if two football players have ever switched uniforms before a game.

I’d rather explore the world than change it.

The naked boy swimming on the cover of Nirvana’s Nevermind now probably talks about it all the time to pick up women.

Trains are becoming obsolete.  The technology involved with the basic freight or passenger train hasn’t evolved much at all in the past 200 years.  Plus, they just feel archaic.  In a couple of generations, trains as we know them will seem as old-fashioned as black and white televisions.

There’s too much advice out there.  Everyone is trying to help each other but no one knows what they want.

Worthless is the opposite of priceless.

Shaq at his finest

Download "Beach City"

Left-handed Piano

“If the government doesn’t trust the people, why doesn’t it dissolve them and elect a new people?”

Inaction in Action

Some religious people claim that religion and science can go hand in hand.  They assert that science can be carefully implemented to learn more about the world that God created.  I generally disagree with this sentiment. 

There is a bit of evidence to support the zealot.  For example, the Big Bang Theory states that both space and time began as a single dimensionless point, called singularity.  Before this moment, spacetime did not exist as we know it.  This singularity, then, may entail some sort of creator from which the universe and thus, life as we know it, was created. 

This seems to give some validity to the aforementioned pious people.  It may be true that religion can use science for certain aspects.  However, the scientific method will surely do away with any conception of a personal god, such as the one depicted within the set of Judeo-Christian-Islamic faiths.  Science encourages questioning the foundations upon which a belief system is based.  From a scientific standpoint, it is quite clear that, as far as we know, there is no such thing as a personal god.  The burden of proof relies on the theist, forcing any rational person to be an atheist.

"Shut the fuck up!"

Is it possible to drive cross country without paying any tolls?

You know those reflective sheets that people put in front of their windshield to keep the car cool on a sunny day?  There should be a car that has those built in to the sides, so you would just need to press a button for them to automatically slide in front of the windshield.

Did you know:  There is a nationwide shortage of clothes hangers, caused by a high tariff.

“Las dias,” said sal.

Why is Sunday considered the weekend if it is the first day of the week?

Myspace is now almost identical to Facebook.

Jimi Hendrix couldn’t read sheet music.  Also, neither could Ray Charles…

Most dogs have never been in a grocery store.

Polar Bear Jokes

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

“They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.”

“Hospital gowns are the poor man’s snuggies.”

“Not only is abortion murder but it's also larceny, jaywalking and securities fraud.”

“There is no purpose of life.  There is purpose in life.”

Kelly Clarkson covers the Black Keys

A poem by Christoph Kienzle:


Some
People
Order
Nutmeg
Tofu
Anyway
Nobody
Every
Orders
Unagi
Soup

Literally the Most Expensive Music Video

Travel On

Riddle Time

Read this quickly one time, and try to answer the question that follows:

Dexter's father's son is his brother and his uncle.  How?

The answer appears below the video.

Riddle Answer: 

Dexter is Catholic. His Pastor (AKA father) is his grandfather.  His uncle was in his fraternity, so they are frat brothers. Oh, come on. It’s not that far-fetched!

“Ask yourself why totalitarian dictatorships find it necessary to pour money and effort into propaganda for their own helpless, chained, gagged slaves, who have no means of protest or defense. The answer is that even the humblest peasant or the lowest savage would rise in blind rebellion, were he to realize that he is being immolated, not to some incomprehensible "noble purpose," but to plain, naked human evil.”

Riddle Time

Read this quickly one time, and try to answer the question that follows:

Jake and his 8 friends go down to the subway and take the 4 train to Murphy’s bakery.  After looking at the 12 types of cookies, they decide to get a box of chocolate chocolate chip.  If 72 come in a box, how many cookies do each of the friends get?

The answer appears below the video.

Riddle Answer: 8 (There are 9 friends, including Jake)

What does Brian Eno think of Brian Eno? 

GPS’s should show the speed limit of the road you are driving on.

The “close” buttons in elevators only work with a key.

For the most part, every event in a work of fiction contributes directly to either plot or character development.  This makes sense, but is somewhat unrealistic.

The average yawn lasts about six seconds.

Is “aquaria” the plural form of “aquarium?”

Drinking Laws

There should be an iPod feature that allows listeners to pause a playlist, listen to a different song, and go back to the playlist where it was left off.

Practically every insurance company claims that “people who switched saved an average of ___ hundred dollars.”  Keep in mind that almost everyone that makes an educated decision to switch from one insurance company to another is doing so to save money.  Nobody switches to lose money.

Did you yawn at all yet?  I put in a yawn picture and a yawn fact to try to induce yawning.

Kathy Bates and Andrew from MGMT went to the same high school.

Puma and Adidas were created by brothers Rudolph and Adi Dassler, respectively.  They were both members of the Nazi Party. 

Why is the west coast hotter than the east coast? 

The numbers on a roulette wheel add up to 666.

If you didn't yawn already, have you yawned by now?  Did you yawn twice?  If not, try to get someone to yawn by yawning loudly near them.  Or get a job.

The Strokes cover Marvin Gaye