Satirical Miracle

Stuck!

Help!

Bring some rope and a lantern.

On second thought, just a bottle of scotch

and the rope, too.

Mark Twain

Using a bathroom with a slimming toilet paper roll is like playing hot potato.

There are 1.07 males for every female in the US.

Do cigarette sales decrease after New Years?

Acknowledging man’s ignorance is not the same as positing a god.

“Nor” is a word that doesn’t sound natural in speech, but is often grammatically necessary to use (as opposed to using “or”).  I say we get rid of it.

Are maple trees the only ones that produce syrup?  If so, why?  If not, why don’t we ever hear about the others?

I see so many people, but so few pregnant women.

Toothpaste for Dinner

Suicide rates actually decrease during the holiday season.

Referees often act as both the police and the judges of their respective sports.  Isn't this a flawed system?

Things are the way they are because they have to be the way they are in order to be the way they are.

There should be a video game about starting your own cult.  Rockstar Games would make it and it would simply be called “Cult.”  You would be able to choose what type of cult it is, how it operates, etc.  Fun for the whole family!

How do deaf people communicate when they drive?

Light waves are intrinsically colorless.  The observer adds color.

Do font-designers consider themselves to be artists?  I want to do that for a living.

 I came up with this idea only to find out it had already been invented

“You measure a democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists.”

“I do not paint a portrait to look like the subject, rather does the person grow to look like his portrait.”

“She’s armed with enough credit cards to choke a horse.”

“It’s Seinfeld on crack.”

Cliché Ennui

Source

Cliché is cliché.

We’re becoming too technological for toilet paper.

Raindrops are spherical because of surface tension.

Biographies generally pick out the most significant portions of an individual’s life.  This makes sense, because it would be pretty boring to read about all of the mundane things that the subject did from day to day.  However, it also skews the depiction of the subject’s life to make it appear more interesting than it probably was.

TO DO:  Go bird-watching.

Has it ever been confirmed that the September 11^th Attacks were on that date because of the 9-1-1 significance, or is it still just speculation?

Kierkegaard was an angsty teen.

I have a button that I can press which will cause you to make noise, wherever you are.  It’s on my cell phone.

I never read in the parentheses.  It’s my choice, isn’t it?

Prejudiced, biased, racist, xenophobic.  They’re different words (look them up).  

Note:  If you decided not to read the preceding parenthetical statement, then you may be ill-informed

The 1950’s felt like the present to the people who lived then.  Weird.  Sixty years from now people will be saying the same thing about the current era.  Weirder.

TV feature:  Pick a few channels that you can rotate through with one button.

There are thousands of scientific research studies done every year.  Statistically speaking, some of them have to yield false results.

Einstein was born on Pi Day.

Q-Tip (from A Tribe Called Quest) and Biggie were cousins (by marriage).

Is nonymous the opposite of anonymous?

Only in America

Piece of dialogue that should appear in a bad comedy:

"That's very kind of you, but I'm unable to accept this award."

"How come?  Do you feel like you don't deserve it?  Or are you too humble?"

"I don't have any hands."

"Cliché is cliché" is cliché.

Tobacco Tea

Your hair smells nice, Abe.

Is it called sitting Indian-style because Indian musicians sit cross-legged when they play traditional instruments?

Cher’s “Believe” was the first hit to use Auto-tune.

Do people still pull the old Three-card Monte/shell game scam?  I’ve only heard about this and seen it in movies.  I think I’d like to give it a try…

Dumpster is trademarked.  It was patented by the Dempster brothers in 1937.

Libraries are places to rent books.  Since when did people start studying there?  I realize that they’re quiet, but that’s only because of convention.  It’s very possible to find a book to checkout in a noisy library.

Inventory fraud increases during recessions.

Maybe OJ’s hands just grew.

Why does every lyrics website have the same annoying ringtone ad that blocks the whole screen?

Oh, that's why.

I bet there are some awesome photos of celebrities that have never been released to the public.  Think about all the shots Yoko Ono has of John Lennon.  No way they were all given to magazines, etc.

“Audition” refers to something that is heard.

EZ-Pass is putting toll booth employees out of work.  Side note:  Do toll booth employees prohibit their family members from using EZ-Pass?

To me, satisfactory always seems to imply just barely satisfactory.

Metaphor for the Times

Mailmen must hate it when you forget to put the flag up.

eBay is pig latin for be.  iBay would make more sense.

People tend to walk on the right side of a walkway, mirroring the way they drive on the right side of the road.  In England, do pedestrians walk on the left side?  What about before cars?

The Walrus

Formal Logical Proof

Premise 1:  Anonymous is equivalent to nameless.

Premise 2:  At Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, when speaking, members say “Hi, may name is _____ and I’m an alcoholic.”

Premise 3:  Nameless entails that there are no names.

Premise 4*:  Alcoholics Anonymous is not nameless.

Conclusion:  Alcoholics Anonymous is not anonymous.

*Note Premise 4 is derived from Premises 2 and 3.

Walking on Water

“Time and space are modes by which we think and not conditions by which we live.”

“They’re not horses, they’re unicorns.”

“I was born with a gun in my hand and a boner.”

Carnivorous Plant

Art is Everywhere

When I listen to music, my mind tends to wander (in ways that are at least partially inspired by the music itself).  I am curious what various people’s thought processes are when listening to a particular song.

Chamomile is the national flower of Russia.  Maybe that’s why Russians are so sleepy.  Zing!*

A fresco painting on the interior roof of the Capitol depicts George Washington becoming a god.

TO DO:  Pay the toll for the car behind me.

“Gillette, the best a man can get” is in iambic tetrameter.

Do father-son picnics actually exist?  I only recall seeing them on cartoons as a kid.  Until proven otherwise, I’m gonna put them on my “List of things that I’ve heard about that don’t exist.”  Also on that list:  unicorns.

Kappa Effect

Ronald Reagan is the most recent US President whose Wikipedia page is open for anyone to edit.

In most of the United States, prostitution is illegal.  However, the porn industry is very successful.  This means that you can’t pay someone for sex, but you can get paid to have sex.

Queen should have covered “December, 1963” by the Four Seasons.

Entertainers often have stage names.  Politicians don’t.  Who made up that rule?

The reason that our wisdom teeth must be pulled is because our brains have evolved to be larger than the skull can handle.

two for the Road

In the future, there will be no physical forms of money.  Instead, each person’s fingerprint (or perhaps iris) will correspond to a file in an electronic database that keeps track of how much “money” he has.  Stores will no longer have cash registers, but retina scanners.

Why don’t hot drinks quench your thirst at all?  You’re still consuming water.

During sunset, at the latitude of the United States, if you travel at about 800mph due west, you will never see the sun fully set.

(It's a Joke)

 “The day after my birthday is not my birthday, mom.”

 “Treason… is only being on the losing side of the revolution.”

“Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.”

“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”

 “Sometimes magic sounds like duct tape.”

*That comment was prejudiced and I do not wish to make any judgments towards Russians as a whole.  Actually, I really only know one Russian person and he isn’t very sleepy at all; he’s quite energetic.  Now that I think about it, I definitely have Russian ancestors.  This doesn’t make me Russian, but it does mean that I have Russian blood.  I am quite tired both now and in general, but I don’t think that my sleepiness is a reflection of the entire Russian population.

Heterophenomenology

Solution appears at end

George W. Bush lived in Compton as a little kid.

Decades are just arbitrary cut-offs that make it convenient to break time up into sections.  On December 31, 1959, the United States did not go from a state of placid, civilized suburbia to a groovy hippie-fest.  Terms like “the 50’s” and “the 60’s” have shaped the way we view the past.  In some respect, these dividers are useful.  It is difficult to view time as a seamless linear concept.  Breaking the past up into decades allows us to review certain eras from a historical perspective, but it is still important to understand the nature of time.

What’s the difference between an object and a detailed description of an object?

Principle of Explosion

To have a controversial bumper sticker on your car, you have to be a really safe driver.

Did public bathrooms always have liquid soap?  It seems like a relatively new innovation.  But I can’t imagine what they did before liquid soap.  Bar soap would just be gross.

Tibetan Buddhists believe that sneezing can create a moment of clear consciousness, similar to the effects of meditation.  “Bless you.”

Elevators should have benches.

Occasionally I want to leave somewhere for no particular reason, or if I get bored, and whoever I’m with asks “Where are you going?”  There should be a widely-known euphemism for saying that you just feel like leaving.  I suggest “I’m going to a spoon convention.”  Let’s see if it catches on.

Ernest Hemingway, his father, his brother, and his sister all committed suicide.

To say that someone “lost his mind” is to imply that one’s “self” (or soul, if you prefer) resides in his body, independent of the mind.  It seems more accurate to say that someone has “lost his body.”

Note-taking should be considered an art form.

Okay, Dolphins!

Coffins are always overpriced because the people buying them generally care deeply about the person that will be using it.  Even the cheapest person will cough up some extra cash for their parents’ coffins.  The coffin manufacturers are taking advantage of the mourners!  (Note:  I didn’t do any research into the subject; this is pure speculation).

I eat salads methodically.

There was once a time when people didn’t brush their teeth.

What’s the point of measuring the proof of an alcoholic beverage?  I can’t imagine a situation in which knowing the percentage wouldn’t suffice.  As far as I’m concerned, it was just another term to remember for health tests.

What does a strictly observant Jewish woman do if she is in labor on the Sabbath?  Does she have to hold it in?  Can she have a C-section?

A pedometer sounds like it measures feet.

The Cool Spot

I often hear that voting is a privilege.  In a democratic society, voting is a right of the citizens.  (Technically the U.S. is a republic, but we won’t get into that)  That is how a democracy functions.  Just because other countries don’t operate under a democracy (and thus, the citizens don’t vote), doesn’t mean that voting in the U.S. is privilege.  Perhaps living in the U.S. is a privilege, but that is certainly arguable.

Cantankerous?  Can’t Anger Us!

No one ever wakes themselves up from their own snoring.  Why is that?

The part of the cell phone where it plugs into the charger should glow in the dark.

Justin Bieber is a Pedophile

Solution to Riddle

Confusion Counselor

How often do libraries get rid of books?  Theoretically, they have to eliminate books at the same rate as they acquire them (or physically expand their space).  Whose job is it to pick what books get the cabash?  And what do they do with the losers?

Hugh Hefner purchased the crypt space to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

Why do you make small talk?  Why don’t you just do it?

Until the 1970s, many states had “Ugly Laws” prohibiting ugly people from appearing in public.

It’s always breaking news when a celebrity dies.  It’s never breaking news when a celebrity is born.

Anton's Syndrome

According to a 2003 study conducted at the University of Florida, more of retail store’s inventory is lost due to employee theft than to shoplifting.

If songs are ice, Girl Talk is water.

I enjoy reading YouTube video comments, but I’ve never been bored enough to register a YouTube account and actually comment on a video (okay, I have been that bored but I've never actually done it).  Have you ever listened to a song on YouTube and the video is just a slideshow of photos of the band?  The comments are always fascinating.  “I especially enjoyed the photos.”  “Thanks.”  It makes my day everytime.

How do they estimate how many words are in the English language?

There haven’t been any really famous redheads besides Lucy and Carrot Top.

Regarding species in the animal kingdom, there is a positive correlation between number of mating partners and size of testicles.

In the future, water will cost money at restaurants because of a world-wide water shortage.

Teachers tell us that the meaning of particular poem, song, or other piece of art is not conclusive.  Rather, it is to be determined by the person viewing the art.  It is true that art reflects life in the fact that the meaning of the latter, too, is subjective.  This, however, is not commonly taught at school.

Do bald Sikhs still wear the religious headdress?  How?

“Pontificate” refers to the office of the Pope or bishop.

“Midas Touch” and “mustachio’d” are anagrams.

Pared

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”

"I think in a few years there will be Reality TV Anonymous self-help groups."

“I will not die.  It’s the world that will end.”

“I think the reason I like politics is just because it’s like another sport.”

Time Turns Elastic

The clock on the wall means nothing at all

As time turns elastic

Like a jellybean transformed into silly putty

By a magical wizard

            `

Who lives in a forest

Controlled by a thousand elves-

512 of which are female

(of course, leaving the other 488 to be male).

Yeah, that’s totally what happened.