From Here to There

I'm here
I'm there
I'm here, I'm there
I'm here, I'm there, I'm somewhere else
I'm here
I'm there

Visual AIDS

“I should read a potboiler like The Da Vinci Code every once in a while, just to remind myself that life is too short to read books like The Da Vinci Code.”

-Roger Ebert

The dude from Black Flag

If you say RIP in a Facebook status, it should be the only acronym in the status.

An agenda is a to-do list; an agendum is an item on the agenda.

Women fight for their right to be topless

Intelligence test results are skewed because they are only based on people who took the test in the first place.

TRUE FACT:  When Bob Hope was on his deathbed, his wife asked him where he wanted to be buried.  He said “Surprise me.”

There is a school of thought that claims that hypnosis does not cause the subject to enter a distinct hypnotic mental state, but rather relies on behavioral factors such as social role-perception, hyper-suggestibility, and conditioned inhibition in order to produce desired results. 

“How’s it coming?” often refers to a specific task, whereas “How’s it going?” is more general.

Um...

Internet users used to be satiated with just one window at a time.  Now we have the ability to open up multiple tabs.

My art is a lack thereof.

Does anyone consistently refrain from speeding solely out of respect for the law?

A lot of hip-hop artists claim that they are the “best rapper alive” or the “greatest of all time.”  Show, don’t tell.

Badass Bible Verses

I like the word livid because it means angry but it sounds happy.  Irked sounds irked.  Audio technicians sound check.

When I don’t know a word and type it into Google, I’m always relieved when the definition pops up on top.  That means I’m not the only one.

Abbey Road Rooftop

Music to listen to:

• "Broken Bells" by Broken Bells
• "Cosmogramma" by Flying Lotus
• "The Main Ingredient" by Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth
• "Summerteeth" by Wilco
• "Reservoir" by Fanfarlo

 “We all know that, so why complain?  Was it not always thus and will it not always thus remain?”

-Albert Einstein

Free Hat

"One night I was sitting on the bed in my hotel room on Buker Hill, down in the middle of Los Angeles. It was an important night in my life, because I had to make a decision about the hotel. Either I paid up or I got out: that was what the note said, the note the landlady had put under my door. A great problem, deserving acute attention. I solved it by turning out the lights and going to bed." 

-John Fante

The PB Conundrum

It’s kind of bizarre that inmates on death row are often able to get to choose their last meal.  They’ve all been convicted of a heinous crime, and the state has decided that they don’t have the right to live anymore.  But you want a prime rib and three quarts of Ben and Jerry’s before we kill you?  Sure, no problem!  I think this is the result of the government putting themselves in the shoes of someone on death row.  “Well, if I was gonna die, I would at least want some blueberry pancakes to look forward to.”  The whole thing doesn’t make sense.  By sentencing someone to death, you are effectively saying that they don’t deserve anything.  The right to live is the most fundamental of all rights, right?  It’s contradictory to then say, “I do feel kind of bad for them.  We’ll let ‘em go out with a few hundred more calories.”

Amazon is now selling more e-books than regular books.

I wonder if a recycled good has ever been purchased by the same consumer twice.  Yesterday I got a strange sensation of déjà vu while drinking a can of Coke.

You are probably less popular than your friends

One out of ten people in Alaska has a driver’s license.  One out of six has a pilot’s license.

Don’t think outside of the box.  Think about the box.

I wanted to find out if the words “minute” (pronounced minuht) and “minute” (pronounced mynoot) were related in origin.  I soon found out how hard this is to do using Google.

Soldiers should be given the option of having GPS devices implanted in them.  This could be used as a tool for recovering them if they are captured, or determining if they are still alive.

I wonder if anyone has moved somewhere in order to be near a certain sports team and its fans.  Or, if when a sports team moves from one city to another (e.g. Lakers, Dodgers), has anyone moved with the team?

'The Medium is the Message' Meaning

In the future, Facebook will automatically tag you in photos based on facial recognition technology.

When you say that words can’t describe something, you have just used words to describe it.  Or have you?  This reminds me of the liar’s paradox.

Modernism is like your father

Light Reading

My Encounter with Conan O’Brian on 4^th & Broadway

I saw you coming

Averted my gaze quickly

Think you did the same

The Doors

Jews are half-Christian.  They just stop at the Old Testament.

Humans Raised by Animals

Facebook status you never see:  _____ is taking a crap.

Cloud Appreciation Society

If you’re referring to the Matrix movies collectively, would you call them the Matrices?

Guess what company says that “making friends is our business."

How is it that every girl has the same big, round handwriting?  Is this what they learned when they separated the girls from the guys in health class?

Memetics

I’m getting sick of people taking the transitive property out of its mathematical context and using it in the real world.  Is it just me?  Yeah, I kind of figured.

Accent Detection

I wish I could listen to some songs without understanding the lyrics.

Anti-Jokes

When someone says, “I’ve got it down to a science,” they seldom do.  A science is a standardized method of gathering information based on empirical evidence and hypothesis testing.

Rain-making Bacteria

Local Natives Go Abroad

Existenchill

I saw two people simultaneously try to get in the same line.  The funny part was that neither person wanted to get behind the other, and they both refused to verbally resolve the situation.  Instead, they both tried to passively establish the front place in line by shimmying in front of one another slowly over the course of the minute or so that they were waiting.  Then I woke up and wondered why I have such mundane dreams.

The second half of a sports game is always more important than the first half.

There should be a “random video” button on Youtube.

Dead Athletes

Critics evaluate and review different things; they don’t just point out the flaws of them.  Therefore, the words “criticize” and “critique” shouldn’t connote negativity, just judgment.

The shape of a Pringle chip is a hyperbolic paraboloid.

Why aren’t Larry David and Sasha Baron Cohen in more productions?

Bowling is the only sport where the professionals execute the best possible action (i.e. throw a strike) most of the time.  If baseball was like that, scores would be astronomical and the games would go into hundreds of innings.

TRUE FACT: I met a 4th generation Napoleon.

Without using a ruler, it’s easier to draw a straight vertical line than a straight horizontal line.

It doesn’t make sense to say that “life is good.”  Good is a relative term, and we have no other lives to compare ours to.  Even our perceptions of others’ lives are just that:  perceptions.  They are from our point of view, not theirs.

Bieber & Jesus

FALSE FACT: The average black widow spider lives to be older than the average tortoise.

The metamorphosis of her appearance was Gagaesque.

I’m always puzzled when a stranger asks me to watch her stuff “for a second.”  Who are you worried about taking it?  A stranger.  Who am I?  A stranger!  It must be my honest eyes.

Alarm clocks should automatically stop ringing after two minutes.

The First Rapper Sings

Orange Juice of Magnesia

Voicemail messages are mundane and often pointless.  “Hi, this is Phil.”  Yes, I know who you are.  That’s why I called you.  Or sometimes “You’ve reached 234-5678.”  Thanks, I know your phone number because I called you.  What frustrates me the most is when people feel it’s necessary to give instructions about how to leave a message.  “Leave your name and phone number after the beep and I’ll get back to you soon.”  I will obviously give you my name.  I realize that phone-calling requires phone numbers, so I’ll give you that too.  And yes, I know to wait until after the goddamn beep!

Now What?

I won’t tolerate intolerance. 

The underlying reason that precious metals (gold, etc.) are so valuable is that people think they are.

If you get divorced, do your in-laws become your ex-father-in-law and ex-mother-in-law?  Or your out-laws?

Vizzini from The Princess Bride = Bertram from Family Guy

Commercials tend to be louder than the show itself.  I often find myself turning the volume down for the commercials, and then I am unable to hear what I’m watching when it comes back on.  This sounds like a ploy concocted by the advertisers.  

It is now mandatory for all celebrity politicians to publish a book.

At NBA games it is possible to hear the basketball dribbling and the players’ sneakers squeaking on the court.  This is strange, considering how noisy the stadiums are.


TRIVIUM:  Larry King informed the current Dalai Lama about the completion of the Human Genome Project.          

Jim Morrison Predicts the Future

MATH FAIL:  Aristotle once said, “The smallest number, in the strict sense, is two."

In sports like football, it’s important to be aggressive.  But lately there have been lots of injuries from people being too aggressive.  That’s why when I play, I’m always passive-aggressive.  “Are you sure you want to run it right up the middle?”  “Your last play wasn’t too successful, guys.”

I’ve only heard “Where’s the beef?” in the context of people talking about popular slogans.

Toilet Paper Orientation

Successful bands either play good music or have really clever names.  Take the Beatles, for example.

“Don’t you want to come?” and “Do you not want to come?” ask the same thing literally, but opposite things colloquially.  (Think about how you’d respond to both)

How come you type it up but write it down?

“No outlet” signs always confused me growing up because I assumed they were referring to electrical sockets.  “No way out” signs would be more descriptive, but scarier.

Almost a haiku:

In case of fire

elevators

are out of service

Breathing Addiction

Winter break ends tonight and I didn't finish the book that I was borrowing from the local library.  I'm excited, relieved, anxious, nostalgic, and a bit worried to be going back.  In another universe, spring semester has gone by and I made it out just fine.  In this universe, I'll be able to say the same thing in what will seem like no time at all.  I could go on to talk about how life is fleeting and how minutes turn to days turn to months turn to years, but... I'm out of breath.

First Snow

Eventually, every day will be a holiday.

I always brush my teeth really thoroughly right before a dentist appointment, as if one day of good brushing will make up for half a year of neglect.  It recently occurred to me that I’m paying the dentist to clean my teeth, so excessive scrubbing beforehand doesn’t really make sense economically.

Personals Ad:  Looking for someone who plays hard to get.  If interested, don’t reply.

There aren’t too many rap songs in irregular time signatures.

The first seven notes of one of Bach’s compositions features the same melody as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Facebook Stalkers Rejoice

We teach our children to refer to us as “mommy” and “daddy” because it is the standard notion that this is how little kids speak.  Thus, they refer to us as “mommy” and “daddy.”  Thus, we continue to teach them to refer to us as such.

Blackstar Reunited

Does admitting to being a racist get you out of jury duty?

I’m under the impression that professional acting is a competitive field, but I turn on the TV and all the acting I see is crap.

Humans are not interfering with nature.  Humans are nature.

When something is a good value, it is rarely valuable.

Selling drugs is cool, but only if they’re illegal.  There are no rappers who used to be pharmacists in the hood.  (Dr. Dre is a PhD, not an MD)

The price of buying commercial time on a television station should depend on which commercial slot a company is given.  For example, the first commercial after a show cuts away should be the most expensive, because everyone sees at least the beginning of it before they change the channel.

A rationalization is often an irrationalization.

The Shed

"When you are addicted to drugs you put the tiger in the cage to recover; when you are addicted to food you put the tiger in the cage, but take it out three times a day for a walk."

“The name’s Gigli, it rhymes with ‘really’.”

 “It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”

“The best writers have said very little and the worst, far too much.”